It's so freakin cliche'

I'm living the real life partial version of Inventing the Abbots. Remember that movie? About all the rich sisters who's father is overbearing and freakish who won't let his daughters date anyone he thinks is possibly beneath him and so the girls go behind his back and date these boys and sleep with them, and sneak around behind their parents backs. Joaquin Phoenix is in it with Liv Tyler. I recommend it to any parent thinking about forbidding their daughter from seeing a boy. I'm thinking about watching it over and over again.

D and I decided (with a professional opinion, mind you) that G is not ready to "date" and that for now, she can't have a boyfriend. A myriad of reasons I won't say, but basically it comes down to the DISASTER of a "boyfriend" she had for about six months last year, and the majorly unnecessary chaos it created in our lives. I mean, we're talking like teenager Armageddon over here. Grades in the toilet, head up behind, just god awful. D even talked to G's mother about it, and she agreed. Boys are nothing but a DISTRACTION at this age and only make teenage girls act more crazy than they already are. So when G decided she liked this boy... we said great, like him all you want, but there will be no dating until you are 16. Hanging out in a group setting, fine. Hanging out by yourself with said boy, no. If only we had come up with that plan BEFORE she had that first boyfriend I already mentioned.

I can't say I learned anything from any of the boyfriends I had when I was a teenager. Yeah it was fun to have someone to hang out with. TWO of them were actually VERY nice and my parents actually sorta liked them, but I mean, did they shape me into the person I am today? Doubtful. Did they make me look at my relationship with my husband in a different light? Uhh... I don't think so. I did get two great friends that I still talk to out of my teen love years so that was worth it. Besides that, the only thing the boyfriends I had did, was piss off my parents and make me irresponsible. Oh and one made me hate red meat, but that's a whole different blog. The only real people I learned my relationship traits from is my parents. (and they are reading this thinking they are so cool right now or wondering what I'm smoking)

So we're not totally the Abbots. We're just trying to keep this child on the correct path and have her look back one day and be like... derrrr I was so stupid! Is that too much to ask?

Gosh I hate it when my parents are right!

Forgive me MASTER!

"Mommy, go cut me an apple!"

Como say what now? Who the... What the? Are you frickin kidding me right now? Did my 3 year old just say that? And I'm not strangling her yet?

GO CUT ME AN APPLE?

I'm sorry MASTER, am I not doing things to your LIKING? Forgive ME! I'm just MOMMY!!!

Where on earth did my child learn to be so sassy? Do I even have the right to blame this on preschool or her age or a full moon or something? Or am I just on the edge already with D being gone? It's only been 3 days! I have like 6 more to go before he graces us with his presence and returns from the smoke! I'm pretty sure if Izzy had said this to daddy, she would have likely been on the endangered species list. He would have lost it. I don't get why these kids think they can say whatever they want to their mother? Did I not BIRTH YOU?????

I'm ALL about the manners dang it! Say please and thank you. Don't say "Can you get me..." say "May I have!" Don't talk back to adults, share, don't swear, don't pick your nose, please wipe your butt, flush the toilet, wash your hands, etc. etc. etc! And to think that's just a few of the things that I try to continuously bang into my kids heads on a daily basis! Apparently I'm not BANGING HARD ENOUGH!

Seriously, I'm considering an exorcism or two! One for G, one BIG one for Izzy, and possibly one for myself for good measure. Maybe they'll offer a buy two get the third free or something. Does anyone know where I can get me a priest?

Disney references everywhere!!!!!!!

Pure chaos. Right now everything is moving at the speed of light! I always dread the end of the school year because it seems like there are fifty things to do every day! Madness!

We've got teenager winding down her first year in high school. Lets just say it has not been an easy ride for this girl, or for us. It's like getting stuck on the "Its a Small World" ride in Disneyland with the song pounding through the speakers over and over and over again and all you want to do jump overboard and run to the emergency exit just to save your sanity! That's my analogy of freshman year! Isn't that terrible? I don't remember it being so difficult, but every kid is different, right? For her sake and ours, we pray that next school year will be a little less dramatic! She's gotten herself a job this summer, so maybe JUST maybe she'll learn some responsibility. Wishful thinking?

3 year old is starting Pre-K next month. CRAZY! How the heck did she get so old so fast? I think when she realizes she gets to spend the summer in the same class as her cousin she is going to FREAK! I feel bad for their teachers! Those two are like Cinderella's step sisters, Drisella and Anastasia! Being 15 months apart really is fun for them, but they butt heads so badly it makes my head hurt!

The baby is 7 months tomorrow! What? No! Slow down! She's officially crawling, standing, whining, crying, you name it! She's fun though. I love her. She's getting baptized finally next Sunday so we are busy getting the house together for the after party. I'm a bit nervous to have like 50+ people in our house! I just hope it's not as hot as it has been this week! 100 degrees in my house would not be pretty!!!

So the season of mass hysteria begins. I think so far our weekends are filled until August. And somewhere in the mix, I'm going to start school again! OH man! I think I've got a bit too much on my plate!

I'm trying to delegate more. FFP says its necessary to keep my sanity. I guess I agree with him, but shh... I'm not going to tell him that. That would mean he was right!

I wish I was in line for Space Mountain right now. I can always count on that line to go slow!

Masquerade

I can't get that Phantom of the Opera song "Masquerade" out of my head. Not sure why, but I'm assuming that it's some kind of subconscious notion in my head that pertains to my actual life.

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!....

Apparently 3 year old is evil. Everyone says so. My family, my husband, teenager. She's mean. She doesn't share, she hits, blah blah blah blah. Last time I checked all kids perform some type of this behavior at some point in their lives. Mine, just happens to be going through it all at once. I can't help it. I'm trying my best to help her but it's not the easiest thing to do with a teenager and a baby in the house. I pay attention to her as best as I can.

I know she's been adjusting since FFP got his job. She's still not used to the whole 2 days on 4 days off concept. She's been with daddy every day since she was born. Now all of a sudden he's gone for 2 days and she's confused. I was hoping the transition would go a bit smoother, but it hasn't. Then of course throw new baby into the mix and me focusing on baby's needs... there's a lot less attention headed in 3 year olds direction! I know she's getting the short end of the stick. I'm trying to be a good mommy to her and hold down the rest of the fort.

Everyone thinks I have it all together all the time and no additional help is needed. That's just a load of crap! I might be a stubborn mule, but I appreciate help when it's needed. No one asks me! They just assume little Audra can handle it all and I'll figure out how to deal. Oh and I also suck at baking I guess. So says that last two cakes I've produced and the people who consumed them. I thought homemade was so much better, but apparently store bought is best for some.

I guess I'll just put on the mask and pretend like I have it all under control...

Mother's Day

3 year old: "Mom is today Mother's Day?"

me: "Yes it is."

3 year old: "Oh. OK..... ummm mom?"

me: "Yes?"

3 year old: "When is it gonna be Kid's Day?"

me: "Baby every day is Kid's Day!"

3 year old: "Cool!"

How much am I worth?

If I got paid to stay at home, I'd be making more than a hundred grand a year. That's what the latest poll from salary.com says.

So where's my check?

I've been a "stay at home" mom going on 11 months now. Have I gotten any monetary compensation for it? Uhh no. I don't count the unemployment money from being laid off, or the disability compensation for 6 freaking weeks after I had baby. I mean, if I hadn't gotten laid off last June I probably would have gone back after my maternity leave. I would have hated it, but man the money was great, the benefits were even greater, and the freedom of not being "mommy" for 7.5 hours a day was pretty nice. I had a pension! I had a retirement! I was worth something!!!

Now don't get me wrong, I love being home. Seriously. I'm not trying to convince myself. I do. My kids are fun, entertaining and exciting. It's just that they definitely can't hold an adult conversation. There's just nothing better than talking to another adult about absolutely nothing and feeling like I still have a useful brain. I'm not all Dora and SpongeBob and play doh and wonder color markers! I have been forgetting lately that there's more to me than instructing my husband how to put 3 year old in time out, or telling teenager not to back talk, or making sure 3 year old doesn't accidentally injure baby. Everything is sort of out of control these days, and my only sense of security is to be "boss mommy," and order everyone to do it my way or get out of my face! I know... I know. I'm a control freak. Shocking.

I mean really, why am I not getting paid for this? I basically took care of my boss like he was my child when I was working. The antiquated, hates computers, still makes me use a typewriter boss! I did everything for him, and he paid me WELL! Where's the money I should be getting for doing everything for the crazy husband and children on a daily basis? Should I stoop so low and start soliciting people on the internet to pay my bills like that crazy lady did? (If you haven't heard about that... oh man it's a doozey!)

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