And I want another one???

My first shot as a step mother of a teenager sucks. I mean, I want to cry. Pretty much every day. I know it's not all my fault... her mother and father are a piece of WORK!

Since high school started last year, it's been like a really bad version of The Breakfast Club starring G, but she's ALL the characters. I mean seriously. It's like the schizophrenic version! One minute she's the prissy, wannabe cheerleader who has a thing for the bad boy, the next she's the little introvert who doodles and wears enough black makeup to keeps the raccoons guessing if they are related or not. I suppose that's what freshman year is about. Figuring out what role of crazy you want to be in the play called high school. In middle school she started to go to the bad place. Getting in trouble here and there, not being where she said she was... typical teenager style. No biggie. We crossed our fingers and prayed that it could only get better. Oh my word, we were so horribly wrong. The beginning of freshman year, she got her first actual boyfriend and all the baggage and bullshit that came with him. The evil boy. God that evil boy!

(My parents are reading this laughing their heads off and shaking their fingers saying "Karma's a bitch Aud!")

Then after six months and the world's longest headache, the break up came. OH happy day! The evil boy was gone! YAY!!!! And no no no NO more boys! YAY! Can we focus on school now and be happy again? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why would we make Audra's life easy? Why would we try to avoid adding to the gray hairs on poor D's head. (They are multiplying at an alarming pace!) SLEEPING in class, texting 300 plus messages every day all day, back talking, swearing like a truck driver, oh oh yeah... it's that headache again.

Finally about three weeks left of school she got her crap together. Got a summer job lifeguarding, talked us out of going to summer school, and genuinely started to seem like she was getting it together. Great attitude, pumped about sophomore year, just happy go lucky. Ahhhhh. Sigh of relief... oh no wait... just kidding! Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.... let me just go buy an alarm for the side fence, oh and for her window, and the sliding door, and pretty much let me just Guantanamo the entire house so there won't be any sneaking out with 18 year olds EVER AGAIN. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

So we're back to basics. No phone calls, no computer, no life except for work, oh and if she ever thinks she'll be able to talk us out of going to summer school again, she is seriously delusional. I do not want sophomore year to be another headache. I should maybe consider taking stock in motrin and advil for the headaches.

Give the kid an inch, and she just steals the ruler.

I just want one boy! Please! So that I can just see the other side of the spectrum and prove to my husband that boys are a PITA just like girls!

Bring back No Name!!

I've been listening to this local morning show on the radio for a good 10 plus years. Longer than I've known my husband. I've listened as the first crappy mess of a co host Vinnie got fired. I listened through Sarah (the other co host) having two kids, never wanting to have sex with her husband, and being the most wretched nasty beeotch on the planet sometimes. I was so god dang excited when No Name came along and filled the empty chair of Vinnie. He was like this breath of really witty dry bad sense of humor but hilariously necessary fresh air that the station was starving for. No Name was awesome. I mean AWESOME. And I think it made him even cooler that his real name is also my papas. Extra points in my book. Then all of a sudden, the producer Matty decides to quit when the station was going through new big wig changes. Ok... that stung a little. Matty was the glue!

Then for some stupid ratings BS garbage, the idiot executives fire No Name. After SIX years! Just up and gone. Because apparently, the demographics for the station are leading them to believe that women don't like his dry witter banter. Well excuse the hell out of me, but there's enough underly sexed bitter women on television that I can turn on whenever I feel like. My saving grace in the morning was getting in the car, driving the kids to school and listening to No Name talk about his kegerator in his garage and his hot ass wife and two kids. I could give two craps about Sarah. She doesn't even have sex with her husband! SNOOZE FEST!!!!

So now, I sit. Wondering what songs I'll listen to on the Ipod tomorrow instead of what funny little anecdotes No Name won't be shelling out to one of his Ask No Name letters. I'll have to actually interact with my children in the morning now! Oh the agony!

I want No Name back. Alice is off my #1 memory in the car. I'm done with them.


http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/bring-no-name-mike-nelson-back-on-the-alice

Procrastination is the answer!!

I have too much to do. And not enough time to do it. But yet I sit here, blogging. What a dork. I think I'm turning into my husband. He's a HUGE procrastinator. I'm wondering why I ever yelled at him for putting stuff off. I kinda like it. It makes me feel irresponsible! Dirty! Shameful!

Ohhh I like it a lot actually.

I've always been the responsible one. I'm the boss of the applesauce as Izzy likes to put it. I bark the orders, and everyone follows. Eh, I'm not into it anymore. I want to run free naked in the woods, well I take that back. Maybe just run free in the woods with clothes on. There's lots of sharp things in the woods that could harm me if I was naked!

I totally love my kids, but sometimes I seriously hate dictating their schedules onto numerous calendars on the fridge! Can't we just go with the flow? (I know D is reading this right now thinking... who are you and what have you done with my control freak wife?) News flash babe, I'm into doing nothing right now! I'm dreading school starting next month. Then it's all these schedules plastered on the fridge and my head spinning around like the exorcist deciding who drives who where and what parents is with what kid.

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'm just in a mood. I'm just happy doing the bare minimum these days. I'm not sure if this is permanent, but I'm embracing it while it lasts! I'm liking this procrastinating thing!

That damn dog!

Izzy: "Mom, why is Oprah sad?"
me: "Because her doggy died hunny."
Izzy: "Awww. That's so sad mommy!"

pause

Izzy with a straight face: "Mom, when's our dog going to die?"
me trying not to laugh: "Baby, Vader will be alive for at least 10 more years."
Izzy: " Oh man! But I want a NEW dog! Are you suuuuuuuure he's going to be alive for that long?"

All I could do was laugh. She hates our dog. And sometimes, I don't blame her! He's just STUPID! And really, it's not his fault! Besides the 6 week 1/2 hour sessions of puppy school where Vader learned to sit and stay (which he does not do well by the way) that's the only training he's had! We begged D to do some hard core training, but procrastinator boy left it up in the air, and I'll be damned if it's going to fall on me to train this thing that I purchased for my husband for father's day two years ago because he HAD to have a Boston, because HIS Bostons were SOOOO well behaved and could pee on command when he was growing up and he INSISTED that it had to be a Boston and and and...

The dog jumps... and I mean like Michael Jordan hops! He could literally jump so high he'd smack D square in the face with his paws. He's like the size of Avery! 20 pounds and maybe as tall as Izzy when he stands on his hind legs! THAT is not cool when there's a 3 year old and a teeny tiny baby meandering about! He barks... not inside thankfully, but if he sees us inside and he's outside, it's barking. Like nonstop. I mean it could go on for HOURS! Bark bark bark! Until we let him in! And then he runs around the couches like ten times in this full on sprinting action and goes completely nuts once inside. Like a lunatic! My dog is psychotic. D's grama thinks that we have some peyote in the back yard that Vader MUST eat to make him such a spaz. I'm starting to think she's on to something!

I love the dog, really. He's a good protector when D's not home. He is very gentle with Avery most of the time. Heck, he even shares his chew toys with her! He tries to play with Izzy and G but they just think he's annoying. I know he needs more attention, but dude, really? The barking, and jumping has GOT to stop!

Someone send the Dog Whisperer to my house!!!!!!!

It's a surprise mommy!

This morning as I'm walking into Izzy's school, her little friend says hello.

me: Who's that?
Izzy: That's my new friend!
me: Ohhh, new friend! What's her name?
Izzy(pausing to think of it): ummmm it's a surprise mommy!

Well, ok then!

We walk in, I sign her in and go say hello to the teachers. Izzy goes and checks her cubby to see if there's anything I need to take home. Typical morning. But oh, there's a candy cane in there! Jackpot! Izzy's surprise friend is watching all this unfold and blurts out:

"AT THE LIQUOR STORE THEY HAVE HUUUUUUUGE CANDY CANES!! MY DADDY BUYS ME ONE!"

One of the teachers and I laughed so hard, we didn't even know what to say.

Leave it to surprise friends to brighten an uneventful Monday morning!

Weekend quotes to get me MOVING!

Sometimes I sit and read empowering and inspiring quotes to kick me in the butt and start to focus. So I'm blogging some to remind me of them later.


"You can control your life by controlling your time." - Conrad Hilton

"I am only one; but I am still one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do." - Helen Keller

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take." - Wayne Gretzky

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

“In matter of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.” - Thomas Jefferson

“We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own.” - Ben Sweetland

"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
—Eleanor Roosevelt

Women belong in the house... and the Senate. ~Author Unknown

And I think this one will be my theme! Thanks Madonna!

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. ~Madonna

Heartless Snob! That's me!

I'm spending 4th of July without D for the first time in 9 years. It's weird. I'm to the point now where I don't miss him, I'm just annoyed that he's still gone. Is that fair? Probably not, but I'm being a selfish ass right now and I don't really care. Of course then I tell myself that not only is my husband not here, but there's about 1,800 other firefighters that are not with their families today because the whole state decided to burn down at once!

I think I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that he CHOSE to go to the fire. He didn't have to go on the OES. He could have said no, but he didn't want to "look bad" since he's still on probation. I however, did not CHOSE to be here by myself for 9 days with three kids. I HAVE to. It's my job I guess.

Sometimes I'm really not a fan of my work.

And when he said he was sorry for putting me in this position last night, I wanted to reach through the phone and locked hands around his throat. Sorry? For what exactly? And then in the same breath he said "I'm not going to apologize for my job." Ok again, what the heck are you saying sorry for then? Sorry I'm alone? Sorry I'm spending the 4th of July picking my nose with the kids? Eh. Don't be sorry. And please don't apologize for your JOB! I don't apologize for screwing up the kids! And oh my word, if I have to hear G or Izzy whine about missing daddy for one more day I may lock hands around my own throat!

My one saving grace is that I get to go organize and throw lots of stuff away at my sister's house today. I'm so excited to clean that place. I haven't mentioned, I'm OCD at it's finest when it comes to cleaning. I like clean. I like tidy, neat, organized, no clutter clean. It's a small demented hobby of mine.

Oh and on that cleaning note, last night while I was feeling really crappy and down and devouring half my homemade brownies out of the pan, I got a nasty email from a friend of mine. The short story of it is she asked me to watch her daughter this week before I knew D was going to be gone. I called her on Saturday and told her it would be close to impossible for that to happen now that D was gone. I didn't want her poor baby spending the whole day in the car or not getting attention because I had the other three all to myself. And because I put my family first, that apparently means I am a heartless snob who looks down on her for not having a clean house or not having it all together or something. How she got that out of me saying I couldn't watch her kid this week, I don't know. My mother did not raise me to look down on people. I don't consider myself a judgmental person. I'm just a bitch sometimes! I mean did you read that lack of sensitivity post below? I'm just a little slow to other people's feelings, but NOT A JUDGMENTAL ASS!!! And I have no idea what lack of a clean house had to do with me watching her kid, but hey thanks for the update on how you feel about me!


Ok, the next few posts, I promise to post something positive! Oh and Happy friggin 4th of July!