Testing 1, 2, 3

I'm really not as big of a bitch as people might think. Really. I know I come off as abrasive and bratty, but deep down I'm just not. I'm commanding, and controlling but in a good way. I live with complete controlled chaos. Its necessary for me to function and necessary for my household to function. My philosophy has always been Jerry Maguire-ish. BRUTAL TRUTH. I know that's not always nice, but for me its just necessary.

I've been tested these past few weeks. With G, with my family, with my life... lots of tests. I think if I was to get graded on the family tests, I'd be getting like an F. I don't know why, but it's bothering me big time too. I honestly DO NOT enjoy people thinking I'm a spiteful person, because most people who know me KNOW that isn't me.

I try very hard to make everyone happily co exist because frankly it's just easier to live that way. I haven't been doing so well with that one in the family department. It's more like an out of control shit storm at this point, with me being blamed for every single thing wrong with the family universe. I didn't even start it! (Yes I know I sound like a whiny 4 year old, but Izzy gives me a lot of pointers!) I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought my family WANTED me to be nice and include others. I thought by asking for a favor that I was letting go of my control issues and delegating to someone else. I thought by dealing with an argument and airing out my true feelings, it would make others understand better. Nope, not true. Backfired in my face. I should have known.

My problem is this: I had to be nice to my ex brother in law for 10 years because I wanted my sister to be happy. (Sorry sis, don't mean to air your business!) I bit my tongue and smiled and pretended because everyone insisted it was the right thing to do. Bullshit. Looking back I wonder if I had told the guy what I really thought of him, maybe he'd take a second and be like well hey, maybe I do really act like that? Or maybe I am a selfish ass? Who knows! My point is, I never got the chance to talk to him about anything because everyone told me not to. I never got to ask him why he is the way he is because it wasn't my business. Because no one wanted to disrupt the tides. But honestly, look where it got my family...absolutely no where. I mean, sometimes people need to be told that what they are doing is NOT right! Right?

It's just this simple. If you can't be honest with someone, and tell them how you really feel then you are nothing but a liar and I can't stand liars. If that person chooses to take it negatively and shuts you out because of it, that's their prerogative. I'm not a lollipop dude. I'm not all sweet and pretty on the outside and fake and artificial on the inside. Sometimes I have to tell it like it is in a not nice way.

I know there's a reason for these tests... but I have yet to figure out what that reason is...