I'm spending 4th of July without D for the first time in 9 years. It's weird. I'm to the point now where I don't miss him, I'm just annoyed that he's still gone. Is that fair? Probably not, but I'm being a selfish ass right now and I don't really care. Of course then I tell myself that not only is my husband not here, but there's about 1,800 other firefighters that are not with their families today because the whole state decided to burn down at once!
I think I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that he CHOSE to go to the fire. He didn't have to go on the OES. He could have said no, but he didn't want to "look bad" since he's still on probation. I however, did not CHOSE to be here by myself for 9 days with three kids. I HAVE to. It's my job I guess.
Sometimes I'm really not a fan of my work.
And when he said he was sorry for putting me in this position last night, I wanted to reach through the phone and locked hands around his throat. Sorry? For what exactly? And then in the same breath he said "I'm not going to apologize for my job." Ok again, what the heck are you saying sorry for then? Sorry I'm alone? Sorry I'm spending the 4th of July picking my nose with the kids? Eh. Don't be sorry. And please don't apologize for your JOB! I don't apologize for screwing up the kids! And oh my word, if I have to hear G or Izzy whine about missing daddy for one more day I may lock hands around my own throat!
My one saving grace is that I get to go organize and throw lots of stuff away at my sister's house today. I'm so excited to clean that place. I haven't mentioned, I'm OCD at it's finest when it comes to cleaning. I like clean. I like tidy, neat, organized, no clutter clean. It's a small demented hobby of mine.
Oh and on that cleaning note, last night while I was feeling really crappy and down and devouring half my homemade brownies out of the pan, I got a nasty email from a friend of mine. The short story of it is she asked me to watch her daughter this week before I knew D was going to be gone. I called her on Saturday and told her it would be close to impossible for that to happen now that D was gone. I didn't want her poor baby spending the whole day in the car or not getting attention because I had the other three all to myself. And because I put my family first, that apparently means I am a heartless snob who looks down on her for not having a clean house or not having it all together or something. How she got that out of me saying I couldn't watch her kid this week, I don't know. My mother did not raise me to look down on people. I don't consider myself a judgmental person. I'm just a bitch sometimes! I mean did you read that lack of sensitivity post below? I'm just a little slow to other people's feelings, but NOT A JUDGMENTAL ASS!!! And I have no idea what lack of a clean house had to do with me watching her kid, but hey thanks for the update on how you feel about me!
Ok, the next few posts, I promise to post something positive! Oh and Happy friggin 4th of July!
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In Act 3, Scene 3 of Romeo and Juliet, Romeo is in Friar Laurence’s house. He is crying over the fact that he just killed Tybalt, the cousin of his new secret bride. He has been banished from Verona and his dear Juliet, and feels his life is over. Friar Laurence reminds him of his many blessings:
What, rouse thee, man! thy Juliet is alive,
For whose dear sake thou wast but lately dead;
There art thou happy: Tybalt would kill thee,
But thou slew'st Tybalt; there are thou happy too:
The law that threaten'd death becomes thy friend
And turns it to exile; there art thou happy:
A pack of blessings lights up upon thy back;
Happiness courts thee in her best array;
Even in the darkest hours, especially in the darkest hours, never forget to count your blessings.
You have a husband who loves you very much… there art thou happy.
He’s not in Iraq for a year… there art thou happy.
You have a close and loving family… there art thou happy.
You have a home, food, warmth and safety… there art thou happy.
You have your health, and that of your kids… there art thou happy.
Strive to be happy my little girl.
Maybe I should start my own blog so I have a forum to vent and complain about my life!
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